I am …


” The relevance of Freud to our time is largely his insight and, to a very considerable extent, his demonstration that the ordinary person is a shriveled, desiccated, fragment of what a person can be” – R.D. Laing 

Who am I? There goes one of the most important questions of our lives. Growing up in a situation where social conditioning takes hold of us from the time we are a baby onwards, the question is complicated, and not without benefits and consequences relating to the answer you decide to yield upon being asked such a personal inquiry. This question alone will decide what you have made out of your life, and whether your pursuits have truly been for your benefit or detriment. It is the question that precedes all others, and damns or blesses each choice you have made. Who you are will set you free or relegate you to insignificant dust.

Recently the works of an anti psychiatrist named R.D. Laing -Laing have been favored among the literature I’ve been reading. Laing stresses with an indefatigable persistence that we are in an age where being yourself, your true self, is of the upmost importance. Though it is not necessarily valued by the orthodox.  It is critically necessary for the human “soul”. Laing postulates that “ontological security”,or the security of ones own identity of self, is the single most important characteristic a human being can hope to achieve, and that a lack of this type of personal security is running rampant in modern western society, and constraining large sections of our population from contributing to the full extent of their potential. Oftentimes, causing some of our very gifted, to spiral downward, due to lack of ability (understandably)  to cope with an environment that refuses to nurture their natural gifts and talents.

In this age full of new technology that should give birth to an endless amount of options and opportunities to fulfill ones own purpose. Those that succeed in this endeavor are extremely rare to find, and that’s no coincidence. It could very well be attributed that nurture, through the medium of parents, and the state, both, are often equally willing to give you a false model of identity to cling onto which will fit into the social constructs and moral frameworks of the society you are born into. Therefore, not nurturing the natural aptitude you hold within to be great at something specifically tailored to that which is already within you, and is eager to come to fruition, with ease, before it is suppressed in the interest of becoming aligned with the social constructs of society.

you are a genius. You were a genius. What if I tell you right now, that you are as smart as the smartest person who ever lived, but you were held back. That your potential was endless, like staring into the universe, there was no telling where it might go, the possibilities were vast and numerous, you could go whichever direction you chose, and it would feel as if it were the only direction, because you would choose right, but choosing the right direction could happen only under the condition you were given the opportunity to steer toward that which suited you best. It’s likely that we all could thrive, but something contrived, and designed, was bent on holding us back.


We are natural beings with infinite potential that have been blindsided before we could defend ourselves. Against our will, we have become a product of our environment. These conditions we face under modern times oddly enough are the most promising in history, yet, at the same time,the least condusive conditions that have ever existed on this planet when it comes to the likelyhood of humanity reaching their natural potential. It’s partly a Huxley prediction in motion. Technology can set us free, but we haven’t utilized it correctly. Instead of using it to become independent of manual agricultural and industrial labor, and then using our new found liberation and freedom to pursue our obviously natural passions which would make us the happiest and most productive, we work in tandom with machines towards the goal of money. MONEY. Can you imagine, all the possibilities, and our goals as a species have been relegated from transcendence from manual labor and slavery towards Capitol gain for basic human needs. A pursuit that society, from birth tells us is completely normal, and very necessary if we want to survive. Laing in his book ” The Politics Of Experience writes

” In a society where competition for the basic cultural goods is a pivot of action, people cannot be taught to love one another ” p.58

or perhaps to cultivate a love for themselves. Which comes from living In harmony with that which is around us and ourselves , which comes from contribution to your own passions and strong points, and contribution to society.

Something weird is happening here and I’ll call bullshit. Society has taken away our ability to provide for ourselves, and has in turn, taken away our autonomy as individuals. Slavery is ” abolished” but in the purest, realist, sense of the the word, that’s what we are!  We are all now slaves!  Slavesof the lowest sense, because we serve something above us, but remain complacent in this servitude. Aware somewhat that something is missing, but completely inept when it comes to figuring out what exactly it might be. It’s not a far fetched assertion for one to say that a majority of humans in this day and age are living an empty existence, passionless, and full of expedition towards the inert. I can feel the absence. I can feel the empty spot, be it a neurotic sensitivity or not, I can feel that humanity could have ended up in billions of different situations when it came to how we live on this planet, but here we are, and this existence is trouble for us all. I find myself asking, who am I? Think about the effort we all put in to working our life away in this society, into jumping through hoops, into playing a game or contest that we didn’t enter out of free will, but necessity to survive.

“What we call ‘normal’ is a product of repression, denial, splitting, projection, introspection, and other forms of destructive action on experience” – R.D. Laing Politics of Experience pg 24 

I’m under the current impression that we probably will not, but that we could do better. I’ll continue this vein of thought in the next entry, until next time.


The age of equality

Well, welcome. We have reached it. And man, it took a minute, but it’s definitely here. We have reached the age where equality is Possible , but at every opportunity, division and hatred remain dominant, and it seems that agenda driven orators delivering cogent arguments, from each race and gender, no matter the color, are doing everything they can to fuck up any chance of unity we might possibly obtain through rationality, acceptance, and an educated populous. Nothing on this earth remains as evident as the fact that most people are uneducated sheep, and the masses will gladly give up their ability to critically think, for direction from any charismatic who appeals to emotion and talks with a sweet tongue. Things are absolutely not what they seem. The division isn’t real, but nonetheless, it is sold to the masses, used as a tool for rallying whenever someone or something wishes to organize a group in the gutter against a common enemy.  Hitler was really good at this type of thing. Prepare yourself, the rant is coming.

Earlier today, I was on Instagram, which was fantastic. While I am checking suggested profiles, I ran into a specific picture that caught my eye. With an understanding that free speech is absolute, and anyone of any race or gender has the unarguable right to say and present whatever message they wish,  it doesn’t change the fact that this caught me off guard, and subsequently after reading, I was in disbelief. Under the same rights that allow this tripe to be posted, I may respond, and explain why it is utter nonsense that is destructive to individual rights, and the United black community. And ultimately, the community of humans, worldwide.



Now,when I ran into this, I was kind of taken aback, considering, this is racist as hell. And it was hypocritically posted by a black man who should, if he understands what his Instagram is fighting for, know better than to post anything with this kind of undertone. Under the guise of black pride, this particular post is reinforcing black on black judgement of the worst kind. It’s sending a very specific message, and that message is, ” black individuals should marry, have sex, and have children, only within their race, and doing otherwise is reprehensible and should be looked down upon by the rest of the black community.” In a picture with just a few words, it’s judging every interracial couple that has ever walked the face of the earth, and attempting to turn black people, surprisingly enough, against black people. What kind of mad contradiction is this? Representing black pride, which is beautiful, and then turning black people who don’t follow a specific set of rules, rules dictated by some unknown black radical group with an agenda, into targets, for black on black racism, and for unfair judgement for falling in love with the wrong color? Individuals have the right to love who they want, regardless of the color of gender, and a post like this is wrong and promotes distrust and resentment of one another within the black community.  This is a mutation of black pride which is turning it ugly, into something else, using subliminal images and references, which will be unperceptable to most.

At what point does a black pride movement go from a healthy movement that celebrates race and tradition, to becoming a radical one, leaving non hateful African Americans already involved to be bait and switched, and because of that, unknowingly becoming part of a tool used to perpetuate hate and division between races that should, by now, by working together to transcend the mistakes made by our bigoted ignorant ancestors. What? It’s really time to evolve, but instead, we are seeing division EVERYWHERE. How could the black community be making the same plays made by the extreme radical white community before the civil rights movement? Now, I know generalizing the entire black community would be wrong, and that most black Americans are far beyond the level of intelligence needed to escape this sheep herding tactic used by the upper radical groups. Just like a majority of Caucasians during the KKK era were disgusted by the suggestion that black Americans were somehow a lesser, separate species of the human race and should be treated differently because of their dark skin pigment. The same type of caucasians who helped Fredrick Douglass become part of the abolition movement and eventually earn his freedom in the dark ages.

I left some comments on this persons Instagram, not against him, or against blacks, but against the concept that white people should feel guilty, that they would like black people to forget about racism, and that this movement should be rallying people behind hateful ideas of escaping oppression that really just isn’t what they are marketing it as. We live in a country where it’s official, we are responsible for what we accomplish, or do not. In a capitalist country like America, we are all privileged, and even the proletariat class can get an education, and leave whatever class or obstacles they think they were born into. I was banned from this persons Instagram. Big surprise. Now I should do my research on this, but I remember people saying that Malcolm X was all good until he started talking reason and peace. And I was just trying to spread some reason, but that goes against the hateful message that a certain group of people are the sole cause of another’s problems. The violence and hate wants to be perpetuated. I will have no part in it.

This is getting ridiculous, and as long as people are still identifying with a color above humanistic objectives, we are in big trouble. Don’t be one of the idiots who follow the herd. Don’t be led, be a leader. Understand each of us has the capacity to decide what is right or wrong, and that we are under constant attack by outside groups with agendas unknown to us, who would gladly use is as cannon fodder for their cause. I’m impartial to the races or genders, I am out for human equality of opportunity. And freedom and safety from persecution from any race, for every race. See through the bullshit. Realize those who truly see past simple minded racism or sexism are the true intellectual rebels of today, and can be the only remedy to the situation upon us.

Mind as well be like that.

There will be no answers. Zero. We can’t tell if we are a computer program, or if every subjective molecule in our universe is a figment of our imagination. Is everything on earth going smoothly or are the conspiracy theories real? Are things getting better, or are we creeping towards the worst yet? We don’t know. We do not know what is real. It’s controversial. You can’t prove 1+1=2 and Winston Smith could not be sure that 2+2=4. Welcome to the twilight zone.

Earth is fucked. I could sit here and say I think we can make a difference, but can we? Really? We can’t even say for sure that we exist. Besides protesting within, or trying to actively make a change, which will not infect 7 billion people, and end futilely, only to fail and lose another unit of of our most precious resource, intelligent human beings with a will to act, to the truth of how things really are, exactly how would any of us plan on flipping this around?  Oh sorry, was that pessimistic? Our asshole leaders, what are they up to? Oh, they plot against us. We are the proverbial cattle that will be directed in the most convenient direction. We are huxleys prediction. Look around and what do you see? Like the scene with neo and the girl in the red dress, it’s obvious. This is a world of people who have become partial to there servitude, and will now fight to keep an illusion afloat reguardless of the effect it may have on all of humanity. There will be no revolution of the proletariat, because we don’t have the resources to influence, and even if we did, the majority of the population are completely complacent with the way things are.

We have no clue, whatsoever, what the hell is going on. I understand though, that it should not be like this. Something is going on. I mean, are you kidding me? Can it really be that all we have to cling to are a bunch of people pretending they know the answers? Meanwhile, religion, pseudo philosophy, new age theory. Holy shit. The lost are looking for the answers with no map, and are more than happy to blindly accept whatever they are told, by anyone who says they have an inkling of what the truth may be. They aren’t thinking this through, because the truth is too much for them. They would rather be fed answers, than come to an understanding. These people will be the end of us all, and ultimately, are responsible for most of the horror among us. These zombies. These useful idiots that paved the road for dictators like Hitler and Stalin to rise to power only so more than a hundred million could die as a result of their ignorance. Delusion of reprieve is powerful. The bystander effect is powerful. Ignorance, is the most powerful.

As a believer in individual rights, what can I do besides shake my head. Nihilism is the end of the entire race, but is almost preferable over watching the worst of us outnumber the intelligent, and then play accomplice to the downfall of the human race. How does it feel to empathize with what that could lead to? A world of people who haven’t been ethically educated or taught how to think. Depraved and debaucherous, this is why the small percentage of the ethically informed, morally rich people are royally screwed. What is the answer for this? There will be no answer. I will not capitulate to the idea of nihilism, but instead I will search for purpose that I may live out while I exist here, in this queer stream of consciousness that has ravished us all from another sort of unidentifiable slumber.  Make a difference? Don’t be naive. Play a part in the revolution I cannot, because revolution, even if successful, would not solve anything, and would likely be the birth of a new dictator. And starting a revolution? This is laughable. If you see a revolution underway you would be best and smartest to run for the hills, and to understand that no such movement could happen in this country without a puppet master to guide every appendage of an otherwise lifeless doll, exactly how he sees fit.




I’m stuck here. I can’t look. If I did, who knows what would happen. Interesting are the woes of those less frequented by the gaze of another. I keep thinking to myself, this can’t be it, but it is. So I will stay, and in doing so, I am relegated from a human to a martyr with no clear cause, because a purpose is the most complex objective I could hope to achieve. So it’s possible that achieve it, I shall not.

If that is the case, so be it. I will be like so many others, who have been silenced due to a lack of congruency with what a pool of the masses sees fit to acknowledge. Stubborn, that I most likely am, and it seems to surprise everyone but myself. I know Nietzsche was right. It doesn’t matter. This indifferent environment I’ve been unwillingly placed in, this role I’ve been induced to play. It’s all the same. Any outcome would be as good as the last, and I know this because I accept it. To be in denial is to wish otherwise, and to see clearly is to understand there was no other. It’s as simple as that. But nothing here is quite that simple. When you’re stuck being who you are in the middle of a play, people are always insisting you should act the part. I am something else that will not fall in line, for I know the truth. Tacitly suggested are the means of survival in a world where being yourself is an act of rebellion, against the highest order of the existing stratification of all that seems to be.

I wish to be a fish who swims upstream, though obviously, all that surrounds me wishes to push me away from my goal. I look around, and see no other, but they are there. Others, just like myself. Who, to our dismay, see and navigate, through the light of the moon which penetrates through the darkness. And in this Nile we swim in, in this Mississippi that orders orders subservience to pursue the direction it insists we follow, we will not capitulate. For I have seen through the contrived blueprint of the masses, and have created my own.



A leap into nothingness

This is for nobody. So I’m writing this for people just like me. Who feel just like me. Who don’t understand yet understand too much, just like me. I sit here, and I drink these bottomless cups of coffee. I know I’m waiting for something, but I can never quite put my finger on what it is. There’s and indifatigable itch at work here, and it can’t be scratched. What’s going to make me whole? What’s going to release me from the cage I’m trapped in?  I don’t know how I got here.

I am ready for a leap. Into a void maybe, or better yet, into an abyss, that would turn me into something recognizable. I know who I am, but I am a round peg, in a square hole, and cannot find my way to where I belong. I know it isn’t here. This is the dialogue. This is the chronicles. This is everything that I perceive as Indistinguishable  from going crazy or evolving into something not yet fully understood. Somewhere here lies the answer to a question that has yet to be asked. This is the Genesis of an inquiry that is unavoidably necessary. However painful, and however hidden, like a drop of dye in the sea, it will spread evenly, and the inevitability of progress shall not be stopped.